A sensitive soul, with a passion for music and fishing, held in high regard by those who truly knew him, yet a victim of bullying for many years. Paolo Mendico, 14, had experienced suffering and loneliness in the past. He took his own life in his hometown near Latina on 11 September, a few hours before the new school term was due to start. The Prosecutor’s Office in Cassino is investigating the case as an instance of incitement to suicide. Meanwhile, Education Minister Giuseppe Valditara issued a request for inspections to be carried out in the schools attended by the teenager.”
Alberto Pellai, a medical doctor, developmental psychotherapist and author of numerous books on parenting, adolescence and the prevention of youth distress, cautions in this interview with SIR: “What society needs is an educational system that does not turn a blind eye.” His latest book, Esci da quella stanza (published by Mondadori), which he co-authored with his wife and colleague Barbara Tamborini, was released yesterday.
Doctor Pellai, all of Italy was in shock at the news of Paolo’s tragedy. What lessons does this tragedy teach us about the challenges and vulnerabilities faced by teenagers today?
Today’s teenagers face the same challenges as their peers did 20 or 30 years ago, yet they do so in a far more complex and perilous environment.
Paolo was living life in the trenches of both the real and virtual worlds with a strong sense of helplessness.
He was unable to protect himself or keep himself safe. The fact that he took his own life the day before he was due to return to school suggests that he also experienced the school environment as a battlefield rather than the safe place it should be.
His parents say they repeatedly reported those acts of bullying to the school, but their concerns were ignored.
Should the investigations and inspections confirm that the school failed to address the problem, it would mean that even an educational institution dedicated to learning has failed. Changing schools, as therapists often suggest in similar cases, should be a choice, not a way to seek refuge. Failing to recognise the suffering of a teenager in need of help, and being unable to protect them, is a failure of the entire educational establishment.
What could lead a bullied teenager to take such a drastic step?
Despair, a feeling of total hopelessness that the situation may change, are the main causes of suicide. Life loses meaning for a teenager who feels invisible, unheard and powerless. If they see no way out, they ask themselves:
“What am I doing here?’
This is a devastating condition, especially if no one intervenes.
Why is it so difficult for someone so young to develop resilience strategies?
At 14 or 15 years of age, they do not yet have the capacity for more sophisticated self-reflection. While an adult can say, “In three years’ time, you will be looking down on those who made you suffer, with your sensitivity and skills,” for a teenager, living in the absolute present, this is very much harder to process.
If they deem the present situation unbearable, they see no other option.
You often refer to emotional learning. How can it help to prevent bullying?
Emotional learning gives children the ability to recognise and understand their own emotions and the emotions of others. Conversely, the emotionally deficient bullies see the pain they cause, but are indifferent to it and continue their abusive behaviour. In a group educated in empathy, however, even a bystander to bullying is led to empathise with the victim, becoming a protector rather than an accomplice.
How should schools approach this issue?
Schools should provide a safe environment in which students can express their emotions. They should designate someone who is readily identifiable as a person to whom both victims and witnesses can turn with confidence and in complete assurance of confidentiality.
This person must listen to both parties, verify the situation, involve the victim and the bully in a process of reparation and monitor the process. In other words, they must act as an ‘adult video camera’ to spotlight the problem and prevent it from happening again.
Minister Valditara has spoken of strengthening Law 70/2024. Is this enough, or is a radical cultural shift required?
The law is important, but not enough on its own. The problem is not just about punishment; it is also about asking ourselves:
Why do such young people inflict such great harm? What was missing from their upbringing? What is lacking for there to be an educational environment that fosters empathy, respect and cooperation?
What is needed is an educational environment that fosters empathy, respect and cooperation.
We must teach them to be part of a team, not a gang.
Does the digital world play a part in all this?
It does. Today’s young people are effectively growing up in a virtual world that disregards educational principles. It is not the Internet that is the enemy, but the absence of competent adult guidance.
Digital technology contributes to the dehumanisation of human development.
By contrast, childhood and adolescence are times when our humanity must be nurtured.
How would you respond to teenagers who came up to you saying that they felt isolated and bullied?
I would tell them, “You did the right thing in opening up to me. As of today, you are no longer alone; I am here for you.” I would support them on their journey of change and help them to understand that, together, we can find a way to address the issues causing them distress. As a psychotherapist, I have specific tools that I can use.
However, being there for them, listening and taking action is the responsibility of every adult, with no exception.
